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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #76
    Learning All The Songs Dyer's Avatar
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    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in Britain ....

    Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain ...

    Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

    Only in Britain ...

    Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in Britain ....

    Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain ...

    Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in Britain ...

    Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION...

    -3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

    -142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

    -58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

    -31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

    -19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

    -British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

    -101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

    -18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

    -A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

    -5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

    And finally.........

    In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
    Your favourite worst nightmare

    Example - Wont go quietly

  2. #77
    Learning All The Songs Dyer's Avatar
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    Ive just moved to a new house, i'l send the address to you later but **** me it's rough here,

    Myra Hindley is the Avon lady,
    Fred West is the gardener,
    Louise Woodward is the local babysitter,
    Harold Shipman is the GP,
    Gary Glitter runs the playgroup &
    The McCanns run the holiday club....
    Your favourite worst nightmare

    Example - Wont go quietly

  3. #78
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk DD's Avatar
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    Wigan!
    THIS YEAR LENDING SUPPORT TO:- St. Helens RLFC, Manchester City, Celtic, Alemannia Aachen, Steps 1 to 6 Non-League Football

  4. #79
    In The South Stand peter soutos tash's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DD
    Wigan!

    taxi driver gets stopped in wigan
    man says "is there a b&q in wigan "
    taxi driver says "i dont know but i know theres a w and a g "

  5. #80
    Learning All The Songs
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    What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? F*cks funny!

    What do you call a policewoman with a shaven fanny? Cu*tstubble!
    CSM Services for all your Fork-Lift Truck requirements.

    Ring me, Peter or Jim on 01257 424548.lol

  6. #81
    Banned Redman!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mister chuffy
    What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? F*cks funny!

    What do you call a policewoman with a shaven fanny? Cu*tstubble!
    Brilliant lmao!

  7. #82
    Noooobie
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    Default joke

    two mancs decide to open a shop in liverpool, as they are sitting in the empty shop waiting for the stock to arrive one says to the other " i bet some smart scouser asks us what we are selling" sure enough in he arrives, what are you selling lads? a***h***s comes the reply. quick as a flash the scouser comes back " you must have been very busy as there's only 2 left.

  8. #83

  9. #84
    Starting A Programme Collection PariaH's Avatar
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    I like it

  10. #85
    Banned Redman!'s Avatar
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    quality

  11. #86
    George Coaches Organiser Saint Bert's Avatar
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    lol
    The George for match day drinks and away coaches.

    Supporting us supporting Saints.

  12. #87
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk Scouse Don's Avatar
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    Default Help

    I am computer illiterate ! Can anyone tell me how to put my picture on my personal details when posting?
    Thanks

    oopps done it by mistake !!!
    Learned comment from The Don

  13. #88
    In The South Stand Shakespeare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Don
    I am computer illiterate ! Can anyone tell me how to put my picture on my personal details when posting?
    Thanks

    oopps done it by mistake !!!
    I thought i'd pop this in here.

  14. #89
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk Scouse Don's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shakespeare
    I thought i'd pop this in here.
    Ta save's the embarrassment !!
    Learned comment from The Don

  15. #90
    In The South Stand Shakespeare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scouse Don
    Ta save's the embarrassment !!
    ^ ^ What's embarrassing about looking like that? lol lol lol ^ ^

  16. #91
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    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 50p.'

    'One Cent?' the man thought.

    He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

    'A pound,' the barman replied.

    'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

    The barman replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

    The bartender replied,

    'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

  17. #92
    Got A Replica Shirt cardiffboi's Avatar
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    There are 4 people sat in a carriage on a train, a 19 yr old sexy blonde girl, a 75 yr old lady, a saints fan and a wigan fan, after about ten minutes into their journey the train passes through a tunnel, as the train goes through this tunnel the lights go out on the train when all of a sudden there's a loud slapping sound, as the train comes out of the tunnel and the lights come back on the wigan fan is holding the side of his face,which has a big bright red hand print on it, the young blonde thinks ' i bet when we went through that tunnel he tried to feel me up but felt up that old lady by mistake and she slapped him', the old lady thinks 'i bet he felt up that young blonde and she slapped him, good on her' the saints fan thinks ' i cant wait to go through another tunnel so i can slap the w#nker again'

  18. #93
    In The South Stand peter soutos tash's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cardiffboi
    There are 4 people sat in a carriage on a train, a 19 yr old sexy blonde girl, a 75 yr old lady, a saints fan and a wigan fan, after about ten minutes into their journey the train passes through a tunnel, as the train goes through this tunnel the lights go out on the train when all of a sudden there's a loud slapping sound, as the train comes out of the tunnel and the lights come back on the wigan fan is holding the side of his face,which has a big bright red hand print on it, the young blonde thinks ' i bet when we went through that tunnel he tried to feel me up but felt up that old lady by mistake and she slapped him', the old lady thinks 'i bet he felt up that young blonde and she slapped him, good on her' the saints fan thinks ' i cant wait to go through another tunnel so i can slap the w#nker again'
    love it

  19. #94
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    Three Scousers
    and three Mancs were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three
    Mancs each bought a ticket and watched as the three Scousers bought just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
    one of the Mancs.

    "Watch and learn," answered one of the Scousers.

    All six boarded the train where the three Mancs sat down, but the
    three Scousers crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

    Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
    tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."

    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
    hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

    The Mancs saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so
    clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
    money.

    Later that day when they got back to the station, they bought a
    single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their
    astonishment, the three Scousers didn't buy even one ticket.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed
    Manc.

    "Watch and learn," answered the three Scouse boys in unison.

    When they boarded the train, the three Mancs crammed themselves into
    a toilet and the three Scousers crammed into another toilet just down
    the way.

    Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Scousers left their
    toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Mancs were hiding.

    The Scouser knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

  20. #95
    Got A Season Ticket foot of god's Avatar
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    A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm
    'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.
    What sort of horse?', said the owner
    'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
    So the owner shows him a mare.
    'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
    So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
    'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
    Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
    'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
    By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner
    picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
    'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
    With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep
    inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before
    pulling him out and putting him down.
    The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze
    that.
    'Can I see her wun awound?'

  21. #96
    Got A Season Ticket rob's Avatar
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    Bloke runs out of petrol, miles from any garage. A bee flies up to him asking what's wrong. The guy explains and the Bee asks him to open the fuel cap. Suddenly thousands of bees swarm into the fuel tank, and buzz around for a few minutes. Then they all swarm out again and the guy starts his car. Grateful, he asks what they put in his tank.......

    The insect replied.......

    Bee Pee

    (say it out loud!)

  22. #97
    Got A Season Ticket Mr Brightside's Avatar
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    Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol
    O'KEEFE
    24

  23. #98
    In The South Stand peter soutos tash's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huyton_Scouse_Saint
    Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol


    or ronaldo at stockport

  24. #99
    Got A Season Ticket Sceptical Ste's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huyton_Scouse_Saint
    Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol

    Ronaldinho would blend in perfectly with all them ugly Man C supporters lol

  25. #100
    Learning All The Songs Knight Shadow's Avatar
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    Talking Understanding Engineers

    Understanding Engineers - One

    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

    Understanding Engineers - Two

    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers - Three

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes! The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf! The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him. He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
    The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
    The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
    The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

    Understanding Engineers - Four

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
    Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers - Five

    The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

    Understanding Engineers - Six

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

    Understanding Engineers - Seven

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

    Understanding Engineers - Eight

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week. The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?' The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
    Engineering is the art of modeling materials we do not fully understand,
    into shapes we cannot precisely analyse so as to withstand forces we cannot properly predict
    in such a fashion that the public has no reason to suspect the extent of our ignorance.

    I AM DYSLEXIC SO I HAVE BAD SPELLING, thank you

    Knight Shadow...now with fire fox spell check! thanks guys and ladies!

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