I’ve just seen a leaked email about emergency protocols. There’s some changes afoot.....





The RFL have released their emergency protocols for the GF, in case of further Covid infections and control over the renamed “Betfred Superleague NotVeryGrand Final” at some shed in Hull.

1. If St Helens cannot play the GF, they will be replaced by Warrington because they Nilled Saints earlier in the season and are thus technically champions anyway. It might be their year, they will recall Lee Briers, Adrian Morley and Ben Westwood in his burger van (“he’s 39 you know.....”) but of course they’ll still bottle it.

2. If Wigan cannot play the GF, the GF will be delayed until a point where Wigan can put a team out. If this isn’t possible, they will be replaced in the Final by Leeds, because Leeds.

3. If Wigan don’t make the final, Shaun o’laughlin will be dual-registered to both finalists, playing 3 minutes of each half for both teams thus ensuring Sky’s narrative and “One final winners ring” (hoping that Joel Tomkins doesn’t get too confused at this and sexually assault him after the game)

Also, 2x45 minute tribute programmes will be made commemorating his career. Titled “Shaun of the Dead” by virtue of his ability to get out of his coffin every good Friday when he has broken both his legs, fractured his skull and contracted Ebola the week before! (the second one will be 45 mins of unpunished high shots) presented by Phil Clarke dressed as Blofeld from James Bond. these will be compulsory viewing or Sky will not renew their tenureship. Bill Arthur will narrate, calling him Sean Connery and /or Sean Penn by mistake no less than 7 times.

4. They will be some rule changes for the final. High shots will be allowed, lying on and slowing the ptb will not now be penalised and only 6 metres are necessary at the PTB (so that Wigan players can count easily on one hand) These rule changes were made in 2013 for Wigan in all competition but now come into force for both teams in the final.

5. If St Helens are finalists and score or are involved in any contentious decisions, the video ref will have 32 angles of UHD 4K video to assertain a decision. If Wigan are in the final, it will be a Sony Betamax and Super 8 camera, and must be given the benefit of the doubt.

6. If Wigan win, this will be celebrated as the greatest success in their history, and Shaun o’Laughlin will win
The Harry Sunderland trophy (The first player to have done so whilst clinically dead) plus the Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel Peace Prize for his involvement in finding a Covid vaccine.

If St Helens win, it’s a nothing season with an asterisk next to it. Like Sam Tomkins said, “They’re the second best team in the comp” after having his ar$e handed to him last night......