Chapel House Motor Company Limited Advertising Banner
Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: the "NEW" jokes thread

  1. #1
    Got A Season Ticket Merthyr Saint's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    186
    Rep Power
    0

    Default the "NEW" jokes thread

    A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning

  2. #2
    In The West Stand Sausalito's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    5,571
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    5097 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.

    1% LIKED THE WARMTH,

    2% LIKED THE SENSATION,

    3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,

    94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.

  3. #3
    Got A Season Ticket chesterxiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Ave a guess !
    Posts
    270
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    A Wigan primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Wigan fan.
    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Wigan fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
    'Because I'm not a Wigan fan,' she replied.
    The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Wigan fan, then who are you a fan of?'
    'I am a St Helens fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
    The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a St Helens fan?'
    'Because my mum is a St Helens fan, and my dad is a St Helens fan, so I'm a St Helens fan too!'
    'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a St Helens fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
    'Then, I'd be a Wigan fan.
    Am I a glass half full type of person? Yes ! But every now and then, some bugger knocks my drink over!

    "If you are an alien, then how comes you sound like you're from the North?"
    "Lots of planets have a North !"

  4. #4
    RedVee Admin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    LP SW Corner
    Posts
    10,029
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    Two budgies sat on a perch - "can you smell fish?"


  5. #5
    Learning All The Songs
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1,997
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Rob Burrow has become a father for the second time. I feel sorry for his wife; it's going to be hard having three little uns running around!

  6. #6
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk Scouse Don's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Blatherings on That Saints podcast.Back home in St.Helens and in the South stand for service
    Posts
    8,685
    Rep Power
    30

    Default

    Past,Present and future walked into a bar.....it was tense.
    Learned comment from The Don

  7. #7
    Got A Season Ticket
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    165
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    How do you make a plumber sad?

    Kill his family.

  8. #8
    Got A Season Ticket chesterxiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Ave a guess !
    Posts
    270
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    Despite denials from a VW spokes person, that the latest Green car has been targeted to a specific county in the North East of England, The VW E-UP! is selling strongly in Yorkshire.
    Am I a glass half full type of person? Yes ! But every now and then, some bugger knocks my drink over!

    "If you are an alien, then how comes you sound like you're from the North?"
    "Lots of planets have a North !"

  9. #9
    Got A Season Ticket scrogger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Southport
    Posts
    489
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    My racing snail was not winning anything. I tried taking his shell off to speed him up- he was even more sluggish.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  10. #10
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk fishy3005's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    earth
    Posts
    12,153
    Rep Power
    31

    Default

    Saw this in a mates Viz annual and it made me p***

    screaming in the family corner, scaring the kiddies

  11. #11
    In The North Stand With All The Old Folk The Wee Waa Womble's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Harrogate
    Age
    33
    Posts
    7,965
    Rep Power
    30

    Default

    Researchers for the Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M62 near Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Bird Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
    Forwards win games. The backs decide by how much.

  12. #12
    Noooobie
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    At home.
    Posts
    33
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    What do they call false teeth in Wigan.......... Heirlooms.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •