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St Adrian
3rd October 2007, 01:15
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor...


'We're having a new kitchen.'

Shakespeare
3rd October 2007, 01:23
*New Rule!!!*

If youre going to copy youre forwarded email jokes into here, edit the arrows off first!!!

If not, it will be deleted.

St Adrian
3rd October 2007, 01:29
great. now its better.

Shakespeare
3rd October 2007, 01:30
great. now its better.

Only time i do it. ;)

maledon
3rd October 2007, 03:32
“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Kal-El
4th October 2007, 11:05
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger."

He takes her hand and says,

"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,

"Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

Paul Cullen's Mantra
4th October 2007, 11:16
Young boy goes to see his grandad. He says," Grandad, Grandad", we are doing a projest about 2nd WW at school. This week I have been asked to see if any of my relatives have any newspaper cuttings etc.
To which his Gd replies,"IF you go to the sideboard in the front room and bring me the metal box in the bottom drawer, I will show you". The boy did this, opened the box nad exclaimed,"Bloody Hell Grandad, where did you get all these from!?". To which is Gd replied," I will have no swearing in this house", and promptly removed the tin.
The following week the boy arrives and tells his grandad that they are doing memorabilia/medals this week. Gd gets out a large box of medals, to which the boy replies",BLOODY HELL,GD!!", again his gd puts the medals away immediately.
The third week the boy is doing about clothing in the 2nd WW. He asks his Gd if he still has any clothing from the 2ndWW. His Gd ponders for a while and then tells the boy, "If you go upstairs to the small bedroom and open the cupboard door you will find a great coat covering the tank".
To which the boy replies,"F***ING HELL GD, HAVE YOU GOT A TANK?!!"

Cedarman
4th October 2007, 15:46
My Grandmother, died last week. She sat down, closed her eyes and went to sleep just never woke up. Quit peaceful really,must admit though the dentist shit himself.

saintdono
4th October 2007, 18:00
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum"Granny has got a prawn!" The mother says "What on earth do you mean?" The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny stark naked asleep on the sofa.He points to Grannys protruding clitoris and says"Grannys got a prawn!" His mother whispers "That is your Grannys clitoris son!" To which the little boy replies............."Well it tastes like a prawn!"

the_messiah_saint
4th October 2007, 20:14
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he made the best motorbike in the world to which god replied " BMW are better"

Harley Davidson said "what would you know you created woman and look at the mess you ended up with there"

God replied "I'll think you'll find more men are riding my creation than yours"

bozzy!
4th October 2007, 20:20
little jonny hears screaming coming from his mum and dad's room, so he goes to check and finds his mum and dad having sex, his dad just looks at jonny, starts to laugh, chucks a pillow at him and tells him to get out. a couple of days later, jonny's dad hears screaming coming from jonnys room, he rushes in a nd finds jonny s*agging his grandma, his dad says 'jonny, what the f*ck are you doing' to which jonny replies, 'not very f*cking funny when it is your mum, is it?'

ticker
4th October 2007, 20:49
first bernard manning then pavarotti.you must be shitting yourself you fat get

JasonofSuburbia
5th October 2007, 17:28
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

JasonofSuburbia
5th October 2007, 17:31
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

Jonny
7th October 2007, 20:36
You can always tell when a blonde is having a bad day ...

She'll have a tampon behind her ear and she'll be looking for a pencil.
__________________________________________________ _____________

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunnywas dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What shouldI do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Saint Bert
22nd February 2008, 14:32
Gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution for retards who have little chance of recovery.












"We're glad to have him in the squad" said Rafa.

bozzy!
22nd February 2008, 15:39
bdum tsh!

bozzy!
22nd February 2008, 15:40
sadly last week my dad died tragically in his sleep, unlike his passengers who were kicking and screaming!

peter soutos tash
22nd February 2008, 20:10
Gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution for retards who have little chance of recovery.











"We're glad to have him in the squad" said Rafa.
love it
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Laney
22nd February 2008, 23:08
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,
he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad
passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma
willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !"

Greengrass
24th February 2008, 02:23
The central heating broke down at school so the kids were sent home, as Johnny passed the lounge window he heard his mum crying "god I'm coming oh god I'm coming" with this he ran off to where his Dad worked. Dad! he shouted come quick mums going to die" what do you mean son " I just heard mum shout God I'm coming and if the man from next door hadn't been lay on top of her she'd have gone".

Sausalito
26th February 2008, 19:25
RE: Thieving gits

My Friend 100 yds from me...last year had a concrete lion weight approx half a ton taken from the end of his drive

last week they took the other.

must have had a pickup with a HIAB Crane

They left a large hole in the wall.

The police are looking into it

BOOM BOOM
_________________

liverpool saint
26th February 2008, 22:40
;)
Gazza has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution for retards who have little chance of recovery.












"We're glad to have him in the squad" said Rafa.


?????????????????????????????
I think you will find gazza played for Everton! so that should read David Moyes is glad to have him back in the squad! ;)

oldun
28th February 2008, 00:11
An 85 year old ex sailor decided one day to have a walk down by the docks for old times sake. As he ambled along he came across a beutiful blonde lady of the night he asked her was she game to please an old man. She took him back to her place and after about 5 min he asked her how he was performing. She replied old timer your doing 3 nots. 3 nots he asked yes she replied.
"Your not in" "Your not hard" and your not getting your f*****g money back.

oldun
28th February 2008, 01:36
The newly married couple went to bed on their wedding night and the bride said to her new husband I must confess to you darling that I used to be a hooker. he says Thats all right dear your past is your past but I must admit I find that quite Erotic. Tell me about it.
She replies.

Well my name was Nigel and I played for Bradford

oldun
12th March 2008, 23:28
WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE?

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Elysian
13th March 2008, 09:58
How many Wigan Athletic fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Both of them.

Elysian
13th March 2008, 10:09
Two men are playing football in a Manchester park when suddenly a crazed rottweiler dives out of a bush and launches itself at one of the men and begins to viciously savage him.

Reacting quickly the other man pulls a plank of wood out of an old fence and forces it into the dog's coller and twists it, breaking the dog's neck and killing it instantly.

Paramedics arrive and take his friend away for medical attention, and a man approaches the hero with a notepad and pen, he says "I am reporter for the MEN and I would like to write an article about your heroic deed!", the hero agrees and the reporter writes a title for his article-

"Manchester United fan saves friend from vicious attack!"

The man reads this and says "I'm not a Manchester United fan"

The reporter apologises and writes "England fan saves friend from crazed animal!"

The man reads this and says "I'm not a England fan"

The reporter apologises again and asks what football team he supports.

The man replies "Liverpool"

The reporter nods and quickly writes "FILTHY SCOUSE ••••••• MURDERS FAMILY PET!"

steeplejack-reconstructed
13th March 2008, 22:21
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.


10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest! tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!!!

St.Ben
14th March 2008, 00:11
Why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist ????
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.......lol lol

Greengrass
20th March 2008, 12:53
Reverend Flapps is new to the parish and decides to call in his local for a half, when leaving he gets to the door at the same time as a woman who was pi55ed. My dear can I help you " yesh hic I live 50 yards up the road" said the woman so the Reverend helps her along as they are walking along her legs give way and down she goes dragging him down on top of her, suddenly a policeman passes by and shouts Oi you cant do that in the street whereupon the reverend Shouts But I'm Pastor Flapps so the bobby says ok I didn't realise you were so far in carry on I'll watch for anyone coming.

Div
22nd March 2008, 11:57
Between Northern Rock and Heather Mills ?

One has £25m, is on its last leg and F*cks old people for their savings - and the other is a building socety. :D

THELAST3YARDS
23rd March 2008, 16:06
Had a w@nk over an ex girlfriend last night.........











......I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper!

St Michael
23rd March 2008, 16:42
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
















'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

rob
24th March 2008, 09:25
Old bloke goes to the doc's and says "My wife is going deaf. She never hears a word I say anymore but I can't get her to come for a hearing test.
Doc says "Simple, when you're about 30 foot away ask her a question in a normal voice, keep getting closer and ask again until she responds"

So the old bloke goes home and just before teatime he gets about 30 foot away and says "What's for tea".
No response.
So he gets about 20 foot away and asks again.
Nothing.
10 foot away and he asks again "What's for tea"
Still no response so now stood right next to her he says "What's for tea".
She screams "For the forth bl**dy time we're having chicken!"

ploughman
24th March 2008, 11:27
pregnant woman gets shot twice in the stomach.doctor tells her that he can't extract the bullets as each one is lodged in the twins she is expecting.one day they will pass the bullet normally,probably on the toilet,and no harm will come to them.
15 yrs on and one of the twins is crying.whats wrong?said mum.i've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out,don't worry mum told her daughter,it will be allright
the following year johnny starts crying.dont worry said mum,have you just been to the toilet? no said johnny,i was having a w#nk and i've shot the f#ck#ng dog !

oldun
24th March 2008, 23:46
Easter
And Jesus said unto his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross.

Dont touch my fu*>in Easter Eggs I will be back on Monday

Elysian
26th March 2008, 15:11
Old father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.'My Lord,' he said picking it up: 'you're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles.'

The frog replied, 'Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.' 'Incredible!' said Father O'Malley. 'Is there anything I might do to help you?'. 'Actually yes , there is. The gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal.'
' Well,' said Father O'Malley, ' the good lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that.'

So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

'And that, Your honour, is the case for the defence....'

Diva Saint
27th March 2008, 14:39
pregnant woman gets shot twice in the stomach.doctor tells her that he can't extract the bullets as each one is lodged in the twins she is expecting.one day they will pass the bullet normally,probably on the toilet,and no harm will come to them.
15 yrs on and one of the twins is crying.whats wrong?said mum.i've just been to the toilet and a bullet came out,don't worry mum told her daughter,it will be allright
the following year johnny starts crying.dont worry said mum,have you just been to the toilet? no said johnny,i was having a w#nk and i've shot the f#ck#ng dog !

Heh lol

St Michael
27th March 2008, 20:03
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it

with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage

of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards over the

patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.**

Then came the poo. It was everywhere: on the patio tiles, the

chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try

to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder

and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and

demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So

I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I

cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built

all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no

one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidised

housing, free medical care, and free education to anyone born here

or not.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small

apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be

seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's class is behind other

schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to

hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other

than the Union Jack are squawking and screaming in the streets,

demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down

the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning

up the poop.

Jonny
31st March 2008, 16:48
what happens if you give a politicion (sp) viagra?

he gets taller lol

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 05:52
Father O'Connor keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. One sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock's gone missing. He knows there's cock fighting in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. ?Has anybody got a cock?? All the men stand up. ?No, no. I meant has anybody seen a cock?? All the women stand up. ?No,no no. That's not what i meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?? 16 altar boys, 2 priests and a goat stood up.lol

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 05:56
How do you save a wigan fan from drowning? Take your foot off his head:D lol

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 06:27
A little girl, a St Helens supporter and a Wigan supporter on a plane about to crash. Their's only 2 parachutes onboard so the Saints fan says 'The little girl can have a parachute and we will toss a coin to see who gets the remaining parachute.' Wigan fan agrees, little girl flips the coin and the pie fan wins the toss, so he grabs the bag and jumps out. Little girl starts laughing, Saints fan ask's 'What's so funny?' Little girl replies 'That interbred wigan scumbag has taken my schoolbag' lol:p lol

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 06:36
2 eggs boiling in the pan, 1 male n 1 female. The female egg says 'Look, i've got a crack!' 'No good telling me' replies the male egg, 'I'm not hard yet!'

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 06:40
VS Leeds on friday when he went to catch that bomb unchallenged and it hit him square on the noggin. He couldn't catch a cold that lad.

Mr Brightside
1st April 2008, 06:54
The head nun of the convent called all 100 nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting. 'Last night,' she started, 'i found something terrible in 1 of the sisters rooms.' 99 nuns 'Oh no!' 1 nun 'He, he' 'A condom!' said the head nun. 99 nuns 'Oh no!' 1 nun 'He, he' Head nun 'And it was used!' 99 nuns 'Oh no!' 1 nun 'He, he' Head nun 'And it had a hole in it!' 1 nun 'Oh no!' 99 nuns 'He, he'

Rob_Saints
12th April 2008, 17:43
Victoria Beckham's driver is taking the pop princess on a tour of the countryside in her favourite limo. Suddenly, a cow walks out in front of them. The driver can't stop in time and ploughs into it. Victoria is so shocked she can hardly talk. "Oh my god, is it alright?" she asks. The driver gets out and prods the cow with a stick. "No, i'm afraid it's dead" he says. "Well, you were driving" she cries. "Go and tell the farmer what happened!"
So off he goes to give the farmer the bad news. Victoria is left waiting for ages, until a couple of hours later, the driver returns holding a bottle of wine, with his clothes all messed up.
"erm...what happened?" Victoria asks. "Well" the driver says, "The farmer gave me this bottle of wine, his wife gave me a kiss and his daughter took me to her room and gave me the time of my life!"
"Why, what did you tell them?" Posh asks.
"I told them i'm Victoria Beckham's driver and iv'e just killed the cow!"

Annies Song
14th April 2008, 16:34
A man was in the pub when the landlord calls time , the man gets up to leave but falls over, the landlord says come on get up you're pi**ed, he gets up and falls over again, eventually he gets outside but on the way home he fell over 5 more times , eventualy he arrives home and crawls up the stairs, gets into bed and falls asleep.
The next day his wife wakes up and says to him " you were pi**ed last night weren't you?" he says " how do you know?" his wife replies " you left your wheelchair in the pub" lol

Saints-Crusaders
14th April 2008, 17:05
Man calls in sick for work. "I feel terrible, i've got stomach ache, my legs hurt and i feel weak. I won't be in today"
His boss says "when i'm ill, i always ask my wife for a blow job and i instantly feel better. Why don't you try that ?"

2 hours later, the man calls again. "Boss, i did what you suggested and now i feel great !........... oh and by the way... i love your new house !"

Saints-Crusaders
14th April 2008, 17:10
Two men at the airport. First man says " I can't find my wife" Second man says " I can't find mine either, what does yours look like ?"

First man says " She's 6ft tall, blonde, big tits, long legs, mini skirt, stockings, high heels and a boob tube. What's yours look like ?"

Second man says " F*ck her, we'll look for yours"

Dyer
14th April 2008, 19:20
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Dyer
14th April 2008, 19:21
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

Dyer
14th April 2008, 19:22
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why is food better than a man?
A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: What's a man's idea of helping to make the bed?
A: He gets out..

Q: Why are men and parking spots similar?
A: The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE! men will screw anything.

Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and a clitoris have in common?
A: Men miss them all.

Q: How do you keep a man interested after marriage?
A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.

Dyer
14th April 2008, 19:24
This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"

Dyer
14th April 2008, 19:25
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."


What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

Redman!
16th April 2008, 09:19
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."


What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.


Lmao made me laugh good one!lol

dufc4
16th April 2008, 14:34
A fat bird in a bar says to a guy "if you can guess my weight you can sh@g me". The guy says "you're about 93 stone, you fat ugly bitch". Fat Bird replies "that's close enough, you lucky b@stard!".

oldun
17th April 2008, 21:39
2 gay blokes in the toilet, One is wearing a nicotine patch on his dick,the other says 'Does that really work?' he replies 'Yes im down to 2 puffs a day now

oldun
17th April 2008, 21:42
Bloke picks up Chinese girl at a disco & takes her home. Me do anything 4 u!..
How about a 69?...
' U f**ky off, Me no cook this time of nite!'....

oldun
17th April 2008, 21:44
Got a new job with the Samaritans last week.
Tried 2 phone in sick this morning and the buggers talked me out of it!....

Greengrass
20th April 2008, 10:54
Three dogs and their owners are sat in the Vets waiting room a Poodle a German Shepherd and a Rottweiller. The Rottweiller says to the poodle whats up with you "oh i'm 14 and incontinent says the poodle I crap and pi55 all over the house and my owners are fed up I'm being put down. What you here for." I'm a born guard dog says the Rotty I was sat in the hall the other day when my owner went out and left the front door open, the postman walked through the gate so I had him and it took a good hiding with a baseball bat to get me off. The Police insist I be put down so here I am. What you here for they say to the Shepherd?
Oh I live with this woman she's not bad for a human and everywhere she goes I go so last night while she was in the bath I lay on the landing outside the bathroom door when suddenly the door swung open, she got out of the bath and dried herself and bent over the bath to take the plug out so I mounted her I couldn't resist it I gave her a real good seeing to. What and she's having you put down for that they ask Oh no I'm here to get my claws clipped.

foot of god
21st April 2008, 21:02
A burglar breaks into a house and as he moves from room to room he is terrified when he hears a voice which says:

"Jesus is watching you."

Heart pounding he looks around and sees nothing.

He gets back to work, disconnecting the DVD player when the voice calls out again:

"Jesus is watching you."

He switches on his flashlight and in the corner of the room he sees a parrot.

"Did you say that?"

"Yes," replies the parrot. "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxes.

"Yeah, thanks. You got a name, parrot?"

"I'm Moses," the parrot replies.

The burglar laughs.

"What kind of idiots would name their parrot Moses?" he scoffs.

The parrot squawks "The same kind who would name their rottweiler Jesus."

knowsleybearsays
22nd April 2008, 23:19
this fella walks into a bar....................and cuts his head open.

this fella:rolleyes: goes down to the seaside and asks the geezer in charge of the donkeys would he be able to hire one of them "of course you can sir,there is a small screw underneath"

a dog limps into a cowboy saloon, jumps on the bar and says"who shot ma paw"

Mr Brightside
22nd April 2008, 23:22
this fella walks into a bar....................and cuts his head open.

this fella:rolleyes: goes down to the seaside and asks the geezer in charge of the donkeys would he be able to hire one of them "of course you can sir,there is a small screw underneath"

a dog limps into a cowboy saloon, jumps on the bar and says"who shot ma paw"

Awful:D

peter soutos tash
23rd April 2008, 11:09
john arne riise got pulled up the m62 last night
apparently he was heading in the wrong direction
hohoho heheheh hahahaha

Paul Cullen's Mantra
23rd April 2008, 11:10
john arne riise got pulled up the m62 last night
apparently he was heading in the wrong direction
hohoho heheheh hahahaha



Was he following Tom Hicks?........

peter soutos tash
23rd April 2008, 11:18
Was he following Tom Hicks?........

no rick parry
:D

Reacher
23rd April 2008, 11:39
Old one this but Rafa Benitez has defended his policy of squad rotation as he says it keeps the burglars guessing who will be at home on matchdays.

Dyer
23rd April 2008, 11:54
Did you know theres now a warning on superhero costumes. If you buy a superhero costume it says on it "this costume does not give you special powers, or indeed the right to see your children"

I've got a half brother, same mum and dad but he's a hermaphrodite.

It costs £165,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 in the UK. Thats why i sponsor one in Africa, it's £1.00 a week.

I remember once having a one night stand with a girl and after the sex she turned to me and jokingly said 'who's going to sleep in the wet patch?' I said 'you're optimistic I'm not staying'

80% of personal adds say 'good sense of humour required', and the reason why 80% of personal adds say good sense of humour required is becuase everything else in the personal add is a lie. You turn up on the blind date and she says 'I know i said i was petite and pretty, but you've gotta laugh'. The thing is i also notice it says you enjoy long walks so you can **** right off!

Jimmy Carr :D

St Steve
23rd April 2008, 15:38
van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum •••••••. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the f*cker with the door!"

St Steve
23rd April 2008, 15:40
2 man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers £1.

One said 'great value! lets buy some.'

Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves.

They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each.

The assistant asked "are you Man u fans" to which they replied "yes".

He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.' --------

peter soutos tash
2nd May 2008, 14:50
what does a liverpool fan do after his team beat man united?
turn off his playstation

Kakariki
2nd May 2008, 15:53
A skeleton walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?", asks the barman.

"A pint of lager and a mop" replies the skeleton

Dyer
2nd May 2008, 19:53
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam

Amy winehouse bumps into jeremy clarkson & they start to chat, she says to him "what do you do?" he says "top gear" she says "****ing brilliant ill have 3 grams"

nice one medical break through the national blood transfusion service are now using chicken blood in transfusions it makes the men more cocky and the women easier to lay

A blonde girl takes her car to be repaired.
The mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes.
"Nothing serious luv just shit in the air filter", says the mechanic.
"Oh", she says, "And how often"........

Dyer
6th May 2008, 18:41
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ....

Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ...

Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ...

Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ....

Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ...

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ...

Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

-3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

-142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

-58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

-31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

-19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

-British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

-101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

-18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

-A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

-5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Dyer
6th May 2008, 18:44
Ive just moved to a new house, i'l send the address to you later but **** me it's rough here,

Myra Hindley is the Avon lady,
Fred West is the gardener,
Louise Woodward is the local babysitter,
Harold Shipman is the GP,
Gary Glitter runs the playgroup &
The McCanns run the holiday club....

DD
6th May 2008, 19:23
Wigan!

peter soutos tash
7th May 2008, 11:14
Wigan!
:D :D :D
taxi driver gets stopped in wigan
man says "is there a b&q in wigan "
taxi driver says "i dont know but i know theres a w and a g "

mister chuffy
7th May 2008, 16:11
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? F*cks funny!

What do you call a policewoman with a shaven fanny? Cu*tstubble!

Redman!
9th May 2008, 22:37
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? F*cks funny!

What do you call a policewoman with a shaven fanny? Cu*tstubble!
Brilliant lmao! :D

dublinsaint
12th May 2008, 13:55
two mancs decide to open a shop in liverpool, as they are sitting in the empty shop waiting for the stock to arrive one says to the other " i bet some smart scouser asks us what we are selling" sure enough in he arrives, what are you selling lads? a***h***s comes the reply. quick as a flash the scouser comes back " you must have been very busy as there's only 2 left.:) :) :) :)

McClennan
12th May 2008, 18:37
lol

PariaH
14th May 2008, 18:14
I like it

Redman!
14th May 2008, 23:08
quality :)

Saint Bert
16th May 2008, 09:47
:rolleyes: lol

Scouse Don
17th May 2008, 11:51
I am computer illiterate ! Can anyone tell me how to put my picture on my personal details when posting?
Thanks:???:

oopps done it by mistake !!!:D :D :D :D

Shakespeare
17th May 2008, 11:56
I am computer illiterate ! Can anyone tell me how to put my picture on my personal details when posting?
Thanks:???:

oopps done it by mistake !!!:D :D :D :D

I thought i'd pop this in here. ;)

Scouse Don
17th May 2008, 12:16
I thought i'd pop this in here. ;)

Ta save's the embarrassment !!:D

Shakespeare
17th May 2008, 12:28
Ta save's the embarrassment !!:D

^ ^ What's embarrassing about looking like that? lol lol lol ^ ^

St Michael
23rd May 2008, 20:17
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 50p.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A pound,' the barman replied.

'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The barman replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

cardiffboi
23rd May 2008, 20:28
There are 4 people sat in a carriage on a train, a 19 yr old sexy blonde girl, a 75 yr old lady, a saints fan and a wigan fan, after about ten minutes into their journey the train passes through a tunnel, as the train goes through this tunnel the lights go out on the train when all of a sudden there's a loud slapping sound, as the train comes out of the tunnel and the lights come back on the wigan fan is holding the side of his face,which has a big bright red hand print on it, the young blonde thinks ' i bet when we went through that tunnel he tried to feel me up but felt up that old lady by mistake and she slapped him', the old lady thinks 'i bet he felt up that young blonde and she slapped him, good on her' the saints fan thinks ' i cant wait to go through another tunnel so i can slap the w#nker again'

peter soutos tash
24th May 2008, 17:41
There are 4 people sat in a carriage on a train, a 19 yr old sexy blonde girl, a 75 yr old lady, a saints fan and a wigan fan, after about ten minutes into their journey the train passes through a tunnel, as the train goes through this tunnel the lights go out on the train when all of a sudden there's a loud slapping sound, as the train comes out of the tunnel and the lights come back on the wigan fan is holding the side of his face,which has a big bright red hand print on it, the young blonde thinks ' i bet when we went through that tunnel he tried to feel me up but felt up that old lady by mistake and she slapped him', the old lady thinks 'i bet he felt up that young blonde and she slapped him, good on her' the saints fan thinks ' i cant wait to go through another tunnel so i can slap the w#nker again'

love it :D

foot of god
24th May 2008, 21:34
Three Scousers
and three Mancs were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three
Mancs each bought a ticket and watched as the three Scousers bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
one of the Mancs.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the Scousers.

All six boarded the train where the three Mancs sat down, but the
three Scousers crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in
hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Mancs saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so
clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.

Later that day when they got back to the station, they bought a
single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their
astonishment, the three Scousers didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed
Manc.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Scouse boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Mancs crammed themselves into
a toilet and the three Scousers crammed into another toilet just down
the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Scousers left their
toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Mancs were hiding.

The Scouser knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

foot of god
24th May 2008, 21:43
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.
What sort of horse?', said the owner
'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep
inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before
pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze
that.
'Can I see her wun awound?'

rob
24th May 2008, 21:50
Bloke runs out of petrol, miles from any garage. A bee flies up to him asking what's wrong. The guy explains and the Bee asks him to open the fuel cap. Suddenly thousands of bees swarm into the fuel tank, and buzz around for a few minutes. Then they all swarm out again and the guy starts his car. Grateful, he asks what they put in his tank.......

The insect replied.......

Bee Pee

(say it out loud!)

Mr Brightside
10th June 2008, 03:14
Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol

peter soutos tash
10th June 2008, 10:02
Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol
:D :D :D

or ronaldo at stockport

Sceptical Ste
11th June 2008, 12:28
Ronaldinho to Man City?!?! That would be like Torres going to Stokelol lol


Ronaldinho would blend in perfectly with all them ugly Man C supporters lol

Knight Shadow
13th June 2008, 11:11
Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes! The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf! The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him. He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week. The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?' The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

Noah Sleeroader
14th June 2008, 01:52
You're a class act Knight, love it !

Scouse Don
20th June 2008, 14:48
The three fellas at Liverpool last weel... Ardal Ohanlon .....

My wife says we should talk more........
I said we should f**k more....
that shut her up for a month !!

peter soutos tash
21st June 2008, 11:01
The three fellas at Liverpool last weel... Ardal Ohanlon .....

My wife says we should talk more........
I said we should f**k more....
that shut her up for a month !!

like it don

fella goes to docs
says i have a sexual problem
i have a mistress at work who i sh#g four times a day
i have a mistress at pub who i sh#g four times a day
i have a wife at home who i sh#g four times a day

so whats the problem says the doc?

every time i have a wa#k i get a pain in my shoulder

boom boom :D

Saint of Hull
30th June 2008, 12:45
Police are investigating a series of burgalries on Super League players homes.

In recent incidents Paul Sculthorpe of St Helens lost 2 World Club winners medals, 2 Man of Steel trophies, 4 super league winners rings, 3 challenge cup winners medals and 26 Great Britain Caps.

His brother, Danny, lost a kettle and a toaster.

Cedarman
30th June 2008, 13:05
Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes! The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf! The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him. He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week. The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?' The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'


...............nice to see that spelling is improving KS ;) lol

Knight Shadow
30th June 2008, 13:58
...............nice to see that spelling is improving KS ;) lol

twas a e-mail i was sent from my mate tom who said that i fit most of them (2,3,4,5 and 6) so i thought i would shear it with the wider world of redvee :P

warringtonsaint
30th June 2008, 21:10
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

The Wee Waa Womble
1st July 2008, 12:12
I saw a man with no feet across the road today so I beat the c**p out of him

Why?

Because I have lack-toes intolerance

djgazza
1st July 2008, 16:29
Walking into town today i saw two snails fighting.
I just left them to slug it out

gazza

peter soutos tash
1st July 2008, 19:27
Walking into town today i saw two snails fighting.
I just left them to slug it out

gazza

:D

Mr Brightside
2nd July 2008, 16:43
Walking into town today i saw two snails fighting.
I just left them to slug it out

gazza


One of them Mr J Barton from the cctv clip?;)

oldun
2nd July 2008, 21:47
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,

And are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________________________ _

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
____________ __________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
And the best for last?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Mr Brightside
11th July 2008, 11:25
A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically. Dad says thats hard, but i have an idea.
Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for £1Million. Mum says yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she would sleep with the window cleaner for £2Million. Sister says yes.
Well their you go son, thats your answer, theoretically we are sitting on £3Million but realistically we are living with 2 slags! :D lol lol

Royston-Vasey
15th July 2008, 01:36
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife,'Something has just come up.I have a chance to go fishing for a week.It's the opportunity of a lifetime.We leave right away.So pack my clothes,my fishing equipment,and especially my blue silk pyjamas.I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.'
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns.
'Did you have a good trip,dear?' asks the wife.
'Oh yes,great,' he says'But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.'
'Oh no I didn't,' replied the wife.'I put them in your tackle box!":eek: lol

Royston-Vasey
15th July 2008, 16:27
This bloke wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden.He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service untils he finds one.
'Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla?' the service bloke asks.
'Boy gorilla', replies the man.
'Righto,' says the service bloke.'I'll be round in a jiffy.'
An hour later the service bloke shows up with a stick,a Pit Bull Terrier, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs.
'Right,' he says to the man.'I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.When he does,this highly trained Pit Bull will tear the gorilla's balls off.When the gorilla crosses his hands over his crotch to protect himself,you slip the handcuffs on.'
'OK,' says the man,'But what's the shotgun for?'
'I'm glad you asked that,' says the service bloke. 'If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does,then blow the dog's brains out. :eek: lol

Royston-Vasey
1st August 2008, 19:36
STUPID SIGNS

WEARING THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

(On a childs Superman costume)


WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

(In a factory)

TOILET OUT OF ORDER
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

(In a toilet in a London office block)


WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THIS SIGN
THE RIVER IS UNDER WATER

(Sign in a country lane)


WANTED EJECTION SEAT TESTER
INVOLVES A SMALL AMOUNT OF TRAVELLING

(Job advert in an employment agency)

lol :D

St Michael
5th August 2008, 18:50
Las Vegas Churches
accept gambling
chips







THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES
THAN CASINOS.



NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE
BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM
MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE
OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR
COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.





YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

St Michael
5th August 2008, 18:52
FANNIE GREEN

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, “Father, it
has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with
Fannie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Marys.”

Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have sinned
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?”
”A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies

”Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

”The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in
front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her
legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,
”Is that Fannie Green?”
The altar boy replies, .............................
”No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Saint_Hamish
5th August 2008, 23:53
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his d!ck in the dog! Can't believe the police wont do anything! They say the B@stard was Corgi registered :D

Dyer
10th August 2008, 20:02
Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over

thirsty yicker
20th August 2008, 16:41
Watching the Olympic games last night I wondered if there was anything that the Chinese aren't good at?

Then I remembered -

picking cockles in Morecombe bay

Mr Brightside
20th August 2008, 17:03
:eek: :???:












Sick

derek acorah
20th August 2008, 22:01
A chap from Wigun goes to a high class jewellers and says to the assistant 'Can thi mek us a geld statue o me dead dog?'
'Certainly sir,would you like it 18 carat?'
'Eh? 18 carat?....nay lad,chewin a bone tha daft get,he didnt eat carrots'

thegasman
20th August 2008, 22:43
David Beckham is supporting the campaign against teenage violence, saying he once witnessed an attack with a blade on a teen pal.
Victoria has since explained to him that the hairdresser was just doing his job.

thegasman
20th August 2008, 22:47
A guy in the pub said to me, "Want to buy a DVD with a bloke up a bird right to his elbow?"

I said, "Too right!"

Got home, dropped my trollies round my ankles in readiness, and it was Rod Hull and Emu!

thirsty yicker
24th August 2008, 10:55
Gary Glitter has just been re-arrested, police have found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his living room and class 5C in his bedroom.

The Judge
26th August 2008, 20:39
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes overto the counter
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reeland 5-kg.test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter.I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way
the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to
$58.50?' 'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

oldun
3rd September 2008, 21:07
This is a Topical sick joke
Your all invited to a maasive BBQ at Maesbrook next weekend it should be good.
The last one went like a house on fire - but they ran out of Fosters around 4am

peter soutos tash
4th September 2008, 11:27
This is a Topical sick joke
Your all invited to a maasive BBQ at Maesbrook next weekend it should be good.
The last one went like a house on fire - but they ran out of Fosters around 4am

well you wouldnt want a warm fosters would you?
:D

St Michael
9th September 2008, 23:06
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life, that is, until the ship sank.



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the
beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
mycruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf.. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would
you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.


'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....






'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

peter soutos tash
10th September 2008, 16:23
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life, that is, until the ship sank.



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing,
only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the
beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
mycruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf.. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would
you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.


'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....






'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

love it
lol lol lol

Geoggy
11th September 2008, 09:41
thats one of the best jokes ive read on the net for a while.

i can even forgive the small error that bungalows dont have upstairs.

charlie
11th September 2008, 10:03
Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Greengrass
11th September 2008, 13:11
thats one of the best jokes ive read on the net for a while.

i can even forgive the small error that bungalows dont have upstairs.

Bloody hell all these years I have lived in a Dormer Bungalow and you burst the bubble.:rolleyes:

Div
11th September 2008, 13:19
Two athletes at the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40.

peter soutos tash
11th September 2008, 16:18
Two athletes at the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40.

pmsl
:D

saint claire
11th September 2008, 17:42
Two athletes at the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40.
Did one get a message off Albi?!!?!

THELAST3YARDS
11th September 2008, 19:18
One of the GB paralympic athletes had to withdraw from his race due to a problem with his leg..................................












.........he'd left it on the bus.

Geoggy
11th September 2008, 19:45
Bloody hell all these years I have lived in a Dormer Bungalow and you burst the bubble.:rolleyes:no mention of the word dormer negates your argument ;)

no1195322007
11th September 2008, 21:30
Paddy see's murphy in the street and says to him: "Murphy, you should close your curtains when you're making love to your wife with the lights on".All the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday". "Well" says murphy "the laugh's on them coz i wasn't home yesterday!"

Div
11th September 2008, 22:16
Did one get a message off Albi?!!?!



Possibly ;)

All Saints
22nd September 2008, 19:00
Liverpool FC have already decided who they want to sign in the January transfer window:



The Japanese international, Nikomota and the Italian international, Robatelli
;)

Dyer
23rd September 2008, 09:14
Myths About Marriage

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"

Dyer
23rd September 2008, 10:50
The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some wine .




13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. ****y Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect



Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh...

and men who need a warning.

Merthyr Saint
25th September 2008, 21:05
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

St Adrian
2nd October 2008, 21:31
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin'to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye

And yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied,'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light
A candle for ye and yer hoosband. She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ' Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are Ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer ••••in' candle.'

St Adrian
2nd October 2008, 21:38
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and
as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there. Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."

Merthyr Saint
2nd October 2008, 22:30
Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

"I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in
the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's
snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't
hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x "

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

" Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.. "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?"

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,
I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

peter soutos tash
3rd October 2008, 11:04
wiganer goes to the doctors
doctor says "oh shit i've given him the wrong tablets"

receptionist says "why what have you given him?"
doctor says "arsenic instead of paracetamol"

so he chases the wiganer catches up with him and says
"im sorry mate i have given you the wrong tablets, i have given you arsenic
instead of paracetamol"

wiganer says "why whats the difference?"
doctors says..............." just call it a quid "

Scouse Don
3rd October 2008, 17:02
Disasterous financisl news,.........the origami bank in Japan has just folded.

I'll get my coat !!

Laney
4th October 2008, 17:46
A Bad, Bad Day


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker

steps next to him, grabs his drink,gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing

stare as if to say 'What cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to

see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,

and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

itwillalwaysbewithme
4th October 2008, 21:19
The final tonight.

thirsty yicker
7th October 2008, 10:21
If a long condom goes on a long prick & a short condom goes on a short prick,
what would you put on a thick prick ?

A Wigan rugby shirt

peter soutos tash
9th October 2008, 09:55
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, a nd goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk

St Michael
12th October 2008, 11:09
Q: What's the difference between an egg and a w**k?


















































































































A: You can beat an egg!

The Judge
12th October 2008, 18:44
A bloke takes his mates back to his new flat and after a few beers one of the blokes asks him what the gong is for? The host says its his my speaking clock! How does it work? his mate asks. I`ll show you he replies and hits it full pelt with a club hammer and a voice from next door yells "For ••••s sake you **** its three thirty in the morning"

nephilim37
12th October 2008, 19:21
I believe it's important to have proper protection on your computer...

Which is why I always put a plastic bag on my keyboard when I'm looking at porn.

nephilim37
12th October 2008, 19:24
Three men taking part in an intelligence test and were asked this question:
A man and woman are in bed nude: the woman lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is also lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
The first man, from Canada, said, "my answer is that there is no answer."
The second, from Scotland, said, "my answer is that there is no way to know the answer with the information we were given."
The third man, from Ireland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it down to two possibilities: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

nephilim37
12th October 2008, 19:42
Paddy went for a trial at Manchester United,
Alex Ferguson said,
"Can you shoot with both feet Paddy"?
"Don't be so bloody stupid.....I'd fall over". said Paddy

Rob_Saints
13th October 2008, 17:18
I've gotta say, some of the worst jokes ever in this thread lol

wigan 1
14th October 2008, 14:57
My girlfriend went to the doctors the other day feeling ill, the doctor said to her your fat !!! She said she wanted a second opininon,,,,,,,,, he said your ugly too

Dyer
16th October 2008, 16:21
Not quite a joke but one for us girls

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.

St Michael
16th October 2008, 17:02
Very entertaining!

After reading that, I'm glad I am a bloke and stand up to pee!

nephilim37
16th October 2008, 19:51
The wife says she wears stockings to make her look "sexy".

I told her they might work better if she wore them on her head!!!

nephilim37
16th October 2008, 19:56
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on her forehead.

bigdiddy2007
16th October 2008, 21:58
three dicks sat on top of a wall
the 1st dick asks 'what have you done today'
2 dicks reply both saying they have done 'nothing'
the last dick said 'his owner put a plastic bag over his head shoved him in a dark hole and made him do pressups till he was sick'

The Judge
18th October 2008, 11:28
A St Helens girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.

'Ten' replies the St Helens girl.

'Ten?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne'

'Doesn't that get confusing?'

'Naah...' says the St Helens girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'

'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the St Helens girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

peter soutos tash
20th October 2008, 11:18
A St Helens girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.

'Ten' replies the St Helens girl.

'Ten?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne'

'Doesn't that get confusing?'

'Naah...' says the St Helens girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'

'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the St Helens girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

lollollollollol

DD
20th October 2008, 16:01
lollollollollol

Seconded! lollol

The Judge
21st October 2008, 18:36
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the f***ing darts team hasn't'!

St Adrian
21st October 2008, 23:19
Subject: Elephant


A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was unable to get his p* nis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him
that the muscles around the base of his p* nis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for
him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle
tissues from an elephant's trunk into his p* nis . The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing s*x
again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt
a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
p* nis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said," That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my *rse!

St Adrian
21st October 2008, 23:21
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.

norris
22nd October 2008, 22:42
a bum stops a man in the street and asks him for £2 and the man says "are you going to buy booze with it?" in which the bum replies "no". the man then asks "are you going to gamble with it?" and again the bum replies "no" so the man says "ok im takin you home to show my wife what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble"

Bender Bending Rodriquez
23rd October 2008, 22:23
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" "I don't remember much after that ..."

St Michael
23rd October 2008, 23:45
Blind man with no legs is sitting on a beach when three gorgeous girls show up.

1st girl says "Have you ever had a hug?" "No says the bloke." So she gives him a huge hug.

2nd girl says "Have you ever been kissed?" "No." So she gives him a long lingering kiss.

3rd girl says "Have you ever been f****d?" "No" he says, not believing his luck.















































"You are now." she says, "The tide's coming in!"

Reacher
26th October 2008, 08:56
A husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.'

he looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!'

then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right'

to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:53
Why do women have 5 % more brain than a cow ?

So when you pull their t*ts, they don't sh*t on the floor.

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:54
Best magician i ever saw - swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his arse.

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:54
Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:55
My last fight with the wife....

She said, "Does my bum look big in this?"
I said, "Which one?"

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:57
An asylum seeker version of Big Brother has been launched.

After just three weeks, of the original 12 housemates, 4 have been raped, 3 have been mugged, 1 has f**ked his sister, 2 are permanently drunk and 2 others have sucked all of the glue out of the wall paper.

There are now 65 people in the house and they can't evict any of them.

nephilim37
26th October 2008, 22:58
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it bloody start?"

St Michael
30th October 2008, 17:07
THE WRONG ANSWER!!!


WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



















HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.








WIFE:
- silence - -

peter soutos tash
31st October 2008, 11:06
THE WRONG ANSWER!!!


WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



















HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.








WIFE:
- silence - -

lollollollollol

Div
6th November 2008, 14:55
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
>
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
>
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
> I said, 'No, permanent.'
>
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
>
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
>
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
>
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
>
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
>
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
>
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.


> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
>
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
>
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
>
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
>
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
>
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
>
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
>
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
>
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
>
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
>
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
>
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
>
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
>
> A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
> 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

peter soutos tash
6th November 2008, 16:27
:eek:
ken dodd is alive and well
lol

ticker
7th November 2008, 00:52
the gardener at the white house has been sacked.he only asked where the spade was.

Dyer
9th November 2008, 15:06
Stephen Hawking has written a new book.
Around the house in 80 days.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."


A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

Dyer
9th November 2008, 15:11
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Dyer
9th November 2008, 15:14
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Dyer
9th November 2008, 15:15
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in a divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy"

peter soutos tash
10th November 2008, 11:26
the government have surveyed 1000 scousers
on whether they want to change the currency in england

they all said they are happy with the giro
lol

peter soutos tash
10th November 2008, 11:29
Stephen Hawking has written a new book.
Around the house in 80 days.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."


A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

lollollol

Anderson's Merry men
11th November 2008, 08:10
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘says Murphy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl and says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

Dyer
12th November 2008, 15:17
How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

The Wee Waa Womble
18th November 2008, 23:08
They say good things come in three's.

But I hardly think you can describe Gary Glitter as a 'good thing'.

The Wee Waa Womble
18th November 2008, 23:08
I once knew this bloke before he died,
And I don't think this bloke ever lied,
Cos he had a wife with a fanny so wide,
That she was never ****in' satisfied,

So he made her a prick out of shining steel,
Two brass and a ****ing great wheel,
The brass balls he filled em' with cream,
And the whole ****in issue was driven by steam,

Round and round went the ****ing great wheel,
In and out went the prick of steel,
Until she cried "enough, I’m ****in' satisfied,”

But now we come to the horrible bit,
There was no way of stopping it,
Her arsehole to her fanny was split,
And the whole ****in' issue was covered in shit.

The Judge
22nd November 2008, 21:11
The seven dwarfs were working down the mine when there was a huge explosion. Cinderella waiting at the mine head shouted down "Is everyone okay" and the reply came shouting back "Wigan are gonna win super league in 2009". "Thank God for that" she added, "at least Dopeys alive".

oldun
26th November 2008, 23:19
The seven dwarfs were working down the mine when there was a huge explosion. Cinderella waiting at the mine head shouted down "Is everyone okay" and the reply came shouting back "Wigan are gonna win super league in 2009". "Thank God for that" she added, "at least Dopeys alive".
Its a pity Snow White isn't:???:

oldun
26th November 2008, 23:26
The Pearly Gates

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates in their transit vans and
caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.
I've got 40 Liverpool residents here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Bin Dippers .. Go out and tell them
to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just
the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
They've gone', he tells God.

What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

No, the gates', they've gone..

oldun
26th November 2008, 23:40
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens,

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. . . . . . "


Wait for it.


It's coming. ..



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:




"You just happened to catch my eye."




(oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them.)

peter soutos tash
28th November 2008, 07:15
The Pearly Gates

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates in their transit vans and
caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.
I've got 40 Liverpool residents here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Bin Dippers .. Go out and tell them
to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just
the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
They've gone', he tells God.

What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

No, the gates', they've gone..

now thats funny
lollollol

ploughman
28th November 2008, 11:51
freezing temperatures in liverpool this morning.
reports say it was so cold a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets.....

Merthyr Saint
28th November 2008, 18:26
need a new message for your telephone answer machine try here---

http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/AnsMach/AnsMach.htm

oldun
1st December 2008, 00:28
freezing temperatures in liverpool this morning.
reports say it was so cold a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets.....
lollollollol

nephilim37
1st December 2008, 01:07
Some scousers have started work at my place this week. They are car sharing.....they arrive in one and leave with three.

peter soutos tash
1st December 2008, 16:40
Some scousers have started work at my place this week. They are car sharing.....they arrive in one and leave with three.

lollollollollol

Dyer
1st December 2008, 16:49
Man Said To His Wife I Had To Show The Grey Hair On My Chest To Get My Pension The Wife Replies You Should Have Shown Your Cock You Would Have Gettin Disability Allowance

a man is on his way home from work. half way home crossing the bridge he spots his ex about to jump and kill herself. screeching to a halt he shouts shelly what you doin. she replies im gonna jump you walked out on me and left me pregnant. **** me shelly he says not only are you a great shag but you're a ****ing good sport aswell.

necastle manger joe kinnear said to the groundsman, the pitch is looking very good groundsman replies it should do we put 70 milion pounds of shit on it every week

Dyer
2nd December 2008, 17:46
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $390,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

The Judge
2nd December 2008, 19:51
At a lookalike contest in China this week everyone won!

THELAST3YARDS
2nd December 2008, 22:20
At a lookalike contest in China this week everyone won!


:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

RobyGerrard
4th December 2008, 13:57
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there, top stars from the world of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a constant feed of drink, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar.

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Light My Fire'.

Over in the corner George Peppard is getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

'Oi, Jim,' objects Michael Caine, 'the party's just got started.

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?''

'Fair play,' nods Jim 'As long as she does the rest of the band, too.'

'Not a problem, Jim,' smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

'Alright, luv?' he drones, 'don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?'

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says 'What the h*ll!' and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work on him.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

'Wh-what the 'ell was that for?' she whimpers.

'I told you,' Caine snarls. 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off.”

Scouse Don
4th December 2008, 14:03
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there, top stars from the world of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a constant feed of drink, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar.

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Light My Fire'.

Over in the corner George Peppard is getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

'Oi, Jim,' objects Michael Caine, 'the party's just got started.

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?''

'Fair play,' nods Jim 'As long as she does the rest of the band, too.'

'Not a problem, Jim,' smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

'Alright, luv?' he drones, 'don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?'

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says 'What the h*ll!' and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work on him.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

'Wh-what the 'ell was that for?' she whimpers.

'I told you,' Caine snarls. 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off.”

lollollollollollollol

RobyGerrard
4th December 2008, 14:15
I was invited to the annual dinner of the Premature Ejaculation Society. I asked em if there was a dress code; they said, "No, just come in your pants."
lollollollol

RobyGerrard
4th December 2008, 14:27
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she see's the big bad wolf hiding behind a log.
"Oh what big eyes you have," she says.
The wolf runs off.
Later she sees him hiding behind a tree. "Oh what big ears you have," she says.
Again the wolf runs off.
Later she see's him hiding behind a road sign. "Oh what big teeth you have," she says.
The big bad wolf jumps out & says,"WILL YOU F**K OFF, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A S**T!!!!"

Dyer
7th December 2008, 11:48
Trivia

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Dyer
7th December 2008, 11:49
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to copy, paste, and forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Dyer
10th December 2008, 13:50
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?








Lickalotopuss


Whats green and smells of pork?






Kermits finger

AnonymousSaint
10th December 2008, 15:24
I was invited to the annual dinner of the Premature Ejaculation Society. I asked em if there was a dress code; they said, "No, just come in your pants."
lollollollol


lollollollollollollollollollollol

Merthyr Saint
15th December 2008, 21:31
I went to the doctor's the other day - he asked me what was the trouble. I said "Doctor, I can't stop myself stealing - I keep stealing everything!". He said "take these pills. If they don't work in a fortnight, get me a plasma TV!"

Mr Brightside
16th December 2008, 01:38
I went to the doctor's the other day - he asked me what was the trouble. I said "Doctor, I can't stop myself stealing - I keep stealing everything!". He said "take these pills. If they don't work in a fortnight, get me a plasma TV!"

:eek:

:???:

Merthyr Saint
17th December 2008, 22:34
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon on the subject of staying on the straight and narrow.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

peter soutos tash
18th December 2008, 16:20
ive been chatting to a 13 year old
girl on the internet.
she is funny, sexy and very flirty.

now she tells me shes an undercover detective.
how fuc##ng cool is that for a 13 year old?

lol

BigMatt
19th December 2008, 12:54
ive been chatting to a 13 year old
girl on the internet.
She is funny, sexy and very flirty.

Now she tells me shes an undercover detective.
How fuc##ng cool is that for a 13 year old?

Lol

:):):)

Greengrass
22nd December 2008, 15:33
Essex girl involved in a car accident is being checked over by a Paramedic, how do you feel he asks "I think I have concussion" she replies, Ok how many fingers have I up he asks " Jesus I've lost the feeling in my fan*y" she screams.

oldun
23rd December 2008, 00:07
A Day at the Races
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
V
V
V

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 4.15.'

nephilim37
23rd December 2008, 21:42
Astronauts on the International Space Station have discovered that you can actually smell Bradford from outer space.

nephilim37
23rd December 2008, 21:45
Handcuffs on your Christmas tree....

Santa Claus in a gimp mask...

Carol singers in leather....

This is not just Christmas,
this is a S & M Christmas!

nephilim37
23rd December 2008, 21:52
The first time I went down on a Ginger women I took her knickers off and it looked like a forest fire with a Post Office van coming out of it!

Merthyr Saint
24th December 2008, 09:04
A man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Whereupon the wife starts to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.

peter soutos tash
24th December 2008, 19:34
A Day at the Races
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
V
V
V

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 4.15.'

lollollol

Dyer
28th December 2008, 11:21
I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.
Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the first five levels of Super Mario!

nephilim37
28th December 2008, 18:19
My wife was admitted to hospital on Christmas Day, suffering from a broken jaw.
I appear to have misunderstood what she meant when she said, "I want decking on the patio for Christmas."

nephilim37
28th December 2008, 18:22
The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.

I said, "The Thames would be nice."

nephilim37
28th December 2008, 18:27
Shame about Elvis after all them Number 1's,
It was a number 2 which killed him

nephilim37
28th December 2008, 18:29
Eric needs a **** so he pops into a public toilet. While he's in there, he notices that the black man next to him has an absolutely enormous cock.
"Excuse me," says Eric, "but I couldn't help noticing the prodigious size of your swollen member. Tell me, how did you ever get it to grow so big?"
"Well," replies the black man, "when I was a boy, my momma tied a brick to the end of my todger and made me wear it there for a week."
"Thanks for the advice," says Eric and he hurries home.

Once home, Eric says to his wife, Erica, "Right, cancel all my appointments for the next week - I'm not even going to work."
Erica says, "Why not?" He explains the plan and the brick is tied in place.

After four days, Eric is getting quite curious and he says to Erica, "Take a look at my cock - I want to know how it's going."
She opens his flies and takes a look, then says, "Well, you're halfway there - it's gone black."

nephilim37
28th December 2008, 18:34
A guy is on his fishing boat floating on a river. “Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang.

From above the earth's atmosphere aliens are watching this man on his boat and decide to experiment on him. With a zipzapzop they teleport him aboard their starship and remove a quarter of his brain and then teleport him back to his boat.

“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang. This confused the aliens so with a zipzapzop they teleport him back aboard their starship and decide to remove another quarter of his brain before sending him back to his boat.

“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', the guy sings. This perplexes the aliens so with another zipzapzop they teleport the man back to their starship and remove the rest of his brain and then plonk the guy back onto his boat and watch intently for fifteen minutes as the brainless test subject breaks out in song.

“So ferry, cross the Mersey........You'll NEVER walk alone, alone, alone......There's only one – Stevie-G!........Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool!.....”

oldun
29th December 2008, 00:02
Eric needs a **** so he pops into a public toilet. While he's in there, he notices that the black man next to him has an absolutely enormous cock.
"Excuse me," says Eric, "but I couldn't help noticing the prodigious size of your swollen member. Tell me, how did you ever get it to grow so big?"
"Well," replies the black man, "when I was a boy, my momma tied a brick to the end of my todger and made me wear it there for a week."
"Thanks for the advice," says Eric and he hurries home.

Once home, Eric says to his wife, Erica, "Right, cancel all my appointments for the next week - I'm not even going to work."
Erica says, "Why not?" He explains the plan and the brick is tied in place.

After four days, Eric is getting quite curious and he says to Erica, "Take a look at my cock - I want to know how it's going."
She opens his flies and takes a look, then says, "Well, you're halfway there - it's gone black."
lollollollollollollollollollol

nephilim37
29th December 2008, 10:06
A couple have just gotten married, and the man says to the woman,
"There's just one thing I want you to promise me... Never look in the draw in the living room."
The woman seems confused, but agrees never to look in this particular draw. But one day, ten years later, she finds herself overcome with curiosity, and decides to look inside the draw. Inside, she finds 3 golf balls and £20,000!!
She thought to herself that she had to confront her husband and ask what it was all about. So when he got back she asked him.
"I'm sorry, but I looked in your draw, what is it all about?" The man hung his head and said,
"Every time i cheated on you, i put a golf ball in the draw" The woman seems horrified, but then says,
"Well, 3 golfballs, 10 years, thats not too bad....... But what is the £20,000 for?"
The man replies, "Every time I got a set of 12 golf balls I sold them."

Scouse Don
29th December 2008, 11:03
A guy is on his fishing boat floating on a river. “Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang.

From above the earth's atmosphere aliens are watching this man on his boat and decide to experiment on him. With a zipzapzop they teleport him aboard their starship and remove a quarter of his brain and then teleport him back to his boat.

“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', he sang. This confused the aliens so with a zipzapzop they teleport him back aboard their starship and decide to remove another quarter of his brain before sending him back to his boat.

“Ole' Man River, Ole' Man River', the guy sings. This perplexes the aliens so with another zipzapzop they teleport the man back to their starship and remove the rest of his brain and then plonk the guy back onto his boat and watch intently for fifteen minutes as the brainless test subject breaks out in song.

“So ferry, cross the Mersey........You'll NEVER walk alone, alone, alone......There's only one – Stevie-G!........Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool!.....”

Tash,have you seen this,it's a disgraceful parody of a Wigan joke !!

peter soutos tash
30th December 2008, 11:45
Tash,have you seen this,it's a disgraceful parody of a Wigan joke !!

ken dodds back catalogue don
lol

nephilim37
30th December 2008, 13:21
Just been watching the news and saw Michael Shields wearing a "Free Steven Gerrard" t-shirt!

nephilim37
30th December 2008, 13:23
Did you hear Steven Gerrard has been arrested for assault?

Thankfully, Graham Sankey has come forward to confess to the attack, whilst 20,000 Scousers have testified that they saw Gerrard asleep in his bed at the time.

nephilim37
30th December 2008, 13:30
http://www.wimp.com/pentrick/

You have to watch till the end!

Merthyr Saint
3rd January 2009, 16:17
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Merthyr Saint
3rd January 2009, 16:23
DOGS
Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas - if you carve it thinly enough, it'll last right through to the New Year!

peter soutos tash
4th January 2009, 18:31
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

now thats funny
lol

Sausalito
6th January 2009, 18:57
Yossi Benayoun was spotted outside West Hams ground last night in a Lazio shirt, Newcastle shorts and Tottenhams socks, apparently he had had a text to join up with the HAMAS in the GAZZA strip.;)

nephilim37
9th January 2009, 00:16
A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

Merthyr Saint
10th January 2009, 23:08
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire
in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she

also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd

diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to

his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh.

No pun in ten did.