PDA

View Full Version : off season joke



Scouse Don
11th December 2007, 13:14
Boy says to mum, "I've got the biggest willy at nursery,is it because I'm a Wiganer"
Mum Replies, " No son it's because you are 28 and slow .Now watch you don't get spaghetti down your new wigan shirt"

Apologies if I offend anyone but I get these emailed all the time..might raise a smile.
Please feel free to respond with jokes..I need a good laugh in my office.

AnonymousSaint
11th December 2007, 13:21
:)

Reacher
11th December 2007, 13:30
Boy says to mum, "I've got the biggest willy at nursery,is it because I'm a Wiganer"
Mum Replies, " No son it's because you are 28 and slow .Now watch you don't get spaghetti down your new wigan shirt"

Apologies if I offend anyone but I get these emailed all the time..might raise a smile.
Please feel free to respond with jokes..I need a good laugh in my office.

Is that the new Wigan shirt that resembles a Saints shirt?? Hey whilst on that subject, does anyone know why we only bring out a new kit in January? ;) ;)

Wont be long before your joke is moved to Off Topic. :D

Div
11th December 2007, 14:14
Well I have to say its one I havent heard before, its usually the same ones that come round every other month !!

Saint Bert
11th December 2007, 14:23
Why wasn't Jesus born in Liverpool?



Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin! ;) lol

Div
11th December 2007, 14:29
"Mummy , Mummy why are your hands so soft, is it because you always do the dishes in Fairy Liquid ?"

" No its because Im only 12"

Scouse Don
11th December 2007, 14:43
Come on Lads........new jokes only please!

Saint Bert
11th December 2007, 15:11
Scouse keyboard

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/odds/New%20Folder/Liverpool%2003.jpg

Saints-Crusaders
11th December 2007, 15:15
Wigan lad about to marry his local girl fiancee, the day before the wedding, he confesses to his Dad that he's getting cold feet.

"What's the problem ?", says the Dad "Well she's a virgin",.... the Dad says "Well in that case, you've gotta dump her"........ "Why ?", asks the Son............. "If she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours", says the Dad

St Michael
11th December 2007, 15:20
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Kal-El
11th December 2007, 16:09
AGONY AUNT COLUMN


Dear Abby

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around
midnight , I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out
with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her
blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on.


It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is
this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

St Michael
11th December 2007, 16:56
Aussie bloke, driving over Sydney Harbour bridge sees his ex girlfriend about to jump off. He pulls over & says "Hey Sheila, what are you doing?"

She replies "You got me pregnant & dumped me so now I'm going to kill myself."

He says "Jeez Sheila, not only are you a great lay, you're a great sport too!"

peter soutos tash
11th December 2007, 20:07
AGONY AUNT COLUMN


Dear Abby

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around
midnight , I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out
with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her
blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and
slipped them on.


It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is
this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed
like it mate like it

peter soutos tash
11th December 2007, 20:08
Boy says to mum, "I've got the biggest willy at nursery,is it because I'm a Wiganer"
Mum Replies, " No son it's because you are 28 and slow .Now watch you don't get spaghetti down your new wigan shirt"

Apologies if I offend anyone but I get these emailed all the time..might raise a smile.
Please feel free to respond with jokes..I need a good laugh in my office.
i bet it had number 18 on the back

ticker
11th December 2007, 21:04
T.ip of the day.Treat lifes little problems like your dog would.If you cant eat it or sh@g it...... •••• on it and walk away

Paul Cullen's Mantra
11th December 2007, 21:21
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
-- Ogden Nash

the_messiah_saint
13th December 2007, 00:08
Hows a wigan girl turn the light on after sex




She open's the car door!

oldun
13th December 2007, 01:11
Should UK Adopt The Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,

Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,

Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were

asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

oldun
13th December 2007, 01:14
Samaritans go modern

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans hotline number. I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan and explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane

oldun
13th December 2007, 01:23
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the female brain so much more?"

V

V
V
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've been used."

Noah Sleeroader
13th December 2007, 01:52
Q. What's the difference between a cow & a tragedy ?

A. Scousers don't know how to milk a cow.

Doc Green
13th December 2007, 11:00
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger."


Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger."

He takes her hand and says,

"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." (he sighed)








"We'll put all those Frosties back in the box."........................

...................................

ploughman
13th December 2007, 13:17
jewish boy is upset because he is refused a season ticket for wigan,when he asked why the ticket desk said you had to be a full prick to buy one

oldun
15th December 2007, 15:16
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

Noah Sleeroader
17th December 2007, 01:59
Two snowmen stood in a field, one sniffs the air, turns to his mate & says "Can you smell carrots ?"

Noah Sleeroader
17th December 2007, 02:14
Bloke goes to the quacks, "Doc I've got dreadful bum pain." Doc has a look & says "You've got strawberries growing out of your trouser trumpet." "Oh bugger me says the lad, will it need surgery?" "Nah" says the doc "I'll give you some cream for them."

geordie saint
17th December 2007, 14:17
a wiganer walks past a new pub and sees a sign in the window. pies 50p, w*nks 10p. He couldnt believe his luck.he goes in and sees a stunning blonde barmaid, and asks her, " are you the one that gives w*nks " ? "yes " she replies. " well wash your hands, I want a pie ".


a bloke catches a tasty woman, giving him the eye in a supermarket. " do i know you? " he says. She asks him, "arent you the father of one of my children? " He quickly thinks back to his one and only night he was ever unfaithful and adds. " were you the hooker I shagged over the snooker table at my stag do whilst your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery whist shoving a huge cucumber up my ar*e " ? "No" she replies, "im your daughters teacher! "

foot of god
17th December 2007, 19:31
A Polish immigrant went to the Dvlc to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

foot of god
17th December 2007, 19:32
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

foot of god
17th December 2007, 19:33
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

oldun
18th December 2007, 01:19
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

oldun
18th December 2007, 01:21
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

ploughman
21st December 2007, 18:14
rafa benitez has justified his rotation policy,saying that it keeps the burglars guessing who will be at home on matchdays!

Blobbynator
8th January 2008, 21:55
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and
you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on
your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks
DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great
prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call
someone at work and ask if they are married or
seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet
highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner with (phone number) for verification. If their
partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made
the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First
only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would
ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8
o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is
staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the
air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a
couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll
lose. Sooooooo..... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's
answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have s*x, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before
Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip
to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the a*se....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he
was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop
laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call
out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation,
for minor traffic collisions.

fye
9th January 2008, 09:11
Thats quality haha

saintangel
9th January 2008, 10:34
Ha ha i love that joke i bet quite a few people phoned in to have a moan about it though.Saying it was too rude and dirty.

Saints-Crusaders
11th January 2008, 22:24
That joke is as old as the hills........... i heard that years ago